Being my son’s mom is the most important job that I have. Walking away for me wasn’t an option or even a possibility. I will never understand how some parents walk away and act as though they don’t have kids. They make the choice not to be part of this wonderful gift, that didn’t ask to come here.
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalms 127:3
My womb became my son’s home for 9 months and 2 weeks. I was the source of his shelter, protection, nourishment, and love. I sacrificed everything for him and I would do it again and again. I’ve always referred to my son as “my son” because he’s always been with me. I’ve always been the one doing for him. “Our son” would imply shared support, shared sacrifices, and shared responsibilities.
I have forgiven my son’s father for not being in our son’s life. I even understand why his role in our son’s life was as small it was, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior. Although I understand it, I don’t accept it. Just because you know that your child is being taken care of doesn’t excuse you from your responsibility as their parent. No one makes a child alone and no one should have to take care of him or her alone. It was never about the money. For me, it was more important for him to have a relationship with his father than to be supported by him. Since he didn’t want to make the effort to see him, eventually, I filed for child support. He wasn’t going to dodge his responsibility completely.
Even after all that, I still never talked bad about my son’s father to my son. When my son was younger, he used ask about his father. I would tell him, “Sometimes people aren’t ready for the responsibility of being a parent.” Then I told him, “He loves you and eventually, he will come around.” I was right. We made several 4-hour trips to take him to see his father and his father’s family. Yes, that was a lot, but 
my mom and I were willing to put my son’s needs first. When my son first started visiting his father, his father wouldn’t come around. Regardless of his level of involvement or lack thereof, my son’s great grandmother always claimed him and accepted him as one of her grandbabies. She was instrumental in getting my son’s father to start coming around and actually being there when we brought my son to visit. I never understood why he went through all that trouble. I was never one of those crazy babymommas trying to use my kid to get to his father. I didn’t want him then and I don’t want him now. As my son’s mother, I had to put my feelings aside and go above and beyond to do what was best for my son.
One of the reasons that I never badmouthed my son’s father to my son was because I knew that as he got older, my son would learn and see things for himself. My son and I were having a conversation last week about his father’s family. I was asking if he would be interested in going to see them since he hasn’t seen any of them in almost 7 years. The last time he saw his grandmother, his aunts, his uncle, and his cousins were at 
his great grandmother’s funeral. The conversation then turned to his sister. He hasn’t seen her in 3 years, but when she came up for his graduation; those two were fighting as if they saw each other all the time.
The discussion then turned to his father. I was telling him that I was writing this blog and that it was about the relationship he had with his father. We started talking about the number of times that he’s actually seen him. I gave his father the benefit of the doubt and I said that he could count on two hands the number of times he’d seen him. My son wasn’t so generous. My son only counted three. I can positively say that there were at least three other times, but my son said that he was not going to count times that he was young and didn’t remember.
My son saw his father a week after his 1st birthday, a week after his 2nd birthday, and maybe one other time when he was little, that my son didn’t count. What he did count was when he came up for his 5th grade graduation. My son told me that he wanted his father to come to his graduation because he wanted to show the other kids that he did have a father. As his mom, I had to make it happen. His father showed up and he was over the moon. It’s funny because although he didn’t see him that often, the few times that he did see him, he acted as if they saw each other all the time.
Seven years ago, we went to my son’s great grandmother’s funeral. His father was introducing him to everybody, proud of him like he had something to do with who he was and how he turned out. He had him to sit up in the family section with him and the rest of his family. The last time he saw his father was almost 3 years ago when he came up for his high school graduation. I guess his gift was the fact that he came to his graduation because he didn’t give him anything, including his undivided attention because he sat and 
played games on his phone during our son’s entire graduation ceremony. I was so annoyed.
Contrary to what his father might believe or even admit to, he’s missed a lot and he continues to miss a lot. My son used to play soccer (from ages 4 through 18) and his father has never seen him play. He doesn’t know what he’s into, other than skateboarding. He doesn’t know who his friends are. He doesn’t know his likes. He doesn’t have any pictures of him or with him that I didn’t take or give to him.
I could fix a lot of things in my son’s life, but this one thing, it just wasn’t in my power to fix. I’ve had numerous conversations with his father about doing better by our son, 
because I know that their relationship bothered my son growing up. I was even optimistic, but he was never willing to put in the work. Although it bothered me when he was younger, the relationship between my son and his father is no longer my concern. My son is an adult and if he chooses to have a relationship with his father, that is totally up to him. I don’t have to be a part of it, because that relationship is no longer any of my business and not my responsibility. I do know that since my son knows how it feels to not have a dad in his life, that if and when he has kids that he will use his own experiences to make him the best dad he can be so that no kid of his will ever have to feel what he has felt growing up.
Lessons Learned:
1) I am partly responsible for the relationship that my son has or had with his father, because I picked him.
2) People do what they know. Sometimes you can’t just look at the parent in your situation. Sometimes you have to look a little deeper and look at the parent’s relationship with their own parent.
3) You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Translation: you can do everything in your power to make your child available to their other parent, but you CANNOT make the other parent be a parent.
LESSONS OF LOVE FROM MY FATHER 