I don’t know what’s been going on with me. These last couple of months my tank has been Running on E. My mind and body have been exhausted. The only thing that has been filled up is my spirit. I’m sure that’s the only thing that has been keeping me going. My emotions and my thoughts have been all over the place.
So many times lately, I have been Running on E and not taking the time to rest, regroup, and recharge. I know that I need to recalibrate my life or one day I’m going to be going along and my body is just going to collapse from exhaustion. When I think about running on E, I think about a car that is about to run out of gas. What happens is that it gets on “E” or sometimes past “E” and it just stops or when a cell phone battery is on 1% and 
you’re trying to type a message to use up that last bit of battery and it fades to black mid message. I don’t want that to happen to me.
Because I have temporarily lost my focus, it has taken me a little while longer to do things at work and at home, because I’m trying to do several things at the same time. In the past, this was no big task. It’s actually a regular occurrence or at least it used to be, but lately something is off. I’m off. My energy is gone. Having lost focus makes it a little harder to pull off my appearance of seamlessness that is me and the work that I do. I’m sure that a large piece of that can be contributed to my lack of sleep. On a regular basis, I haven’t been getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night. I feel like I’m always trying to play catch up. I don’t usually go to bed before 12:30 am or 1:00 am and I’m aback up at 4:30 am. I’ve always been a night owl and if I try to go to bed early, say 10:00 pm, I’ll wake up at like 2:00 am and won’t be able to go back to sleep. I know it’s not healthy for me to function off so few hours of sleep, but I’ve gotten accustomed to it. As if not getting enough sleep isn’t bad enough, the quality of sleep that I’ve been getting at 
night or in the morning really isn’t that great. I spend most of the time tossing and turning, not to mention the weird dreams that I have been having. By the time I actually get into a good sleeping pattern, it’s time to get up and start getting ready for work. Thank God for bus naps. If I don’t make some changes soon, I’m going to burn out and that my friend, is not an option.
While I was in the midst of going through my period of lost focus and mental and physical exhaustion, they posted two positions related to a detail that I was on last year for a little over 3 months. The people were so friendly and it was a great office to work in. I had been waiting for months for them to post the position. The position was posted a couple of weeks ago and I’ve spent the last two weeks leading up to the closing date working on my resume and application. The task of customizing my resume was easy, but I struggled with completing the application and answering the KSAs. It’s not that I wasn’t qualified for the job, because I was, I mean I am. I kept getting writers block. I knew all the information was in my head but there was a disconnect between my brain, my fingertips, and the keyboard. On the day that the position closed, as I 
sat there working on my last KSA, all of the information about my work experience and work history just started running together in my head, and time ran out. When I got the error notice letting me know that the job had closed and that I hadn’t finished answering my KSAs and ultimately applying for the job, I was upset. I was upset not because the job had closed, but because I didn’t complete something that I had started and had spent so much time waiting for and working on for the past several weeks. I had been suffering from burnout for the last couple of months and I spent a lot of time focused on this job and applying for it under my normal 4 hours of sleep. I realized after the position closed that the job wasn’t for me.
It was a great job with promotion potential for me, but I felt like something was missing. It would have provided me with career advancement and a higher salary, but not necessarily with sustained contentment. For some strange reason, I felt relieved after the position closed and was actually walking around the house happy, but that could have been the dark chocolate gelato I was eating. When the office found out that I didn’t apply, there was a certain level of shock. They knew that I 
had inquired about the posting of the position for months and that I was interested in permanently joining their team. When I spoke with them about why I didn’ t apply, they were shocked and wondered if it was something they had done wrong. I explained to them that it was a personal decision. Because I was able to be honest with them and myself, I feel so much happier and lighter. I can’t stop smiling. I’m at the last step of my grade and I haven’t had a step increase in years, but it’s not about that. It’s about me being happy. I had been praying about this job and prayed for God’s help with the application process and answering the KSA questions. I asked God to let me know if this job was for me. I knew that if it was, it would manifest itself, but if not, that my experiences would open up new opportunities for me. The answers that God gave were not for the KSA questions, but in me taking control of my happiness and putting my needs above my wants. Because I put my faith in him, new doors and new possibilities have already been presenting themselves.
One of the other reasons I’ve been feeling burned out is that I am also guilty of spreading myself a little too thin in the stuff that I do for others and myself. On my days off every other week, I have so many things scheduled, that by the end of the day, I feel like I have been at work. My days off are filled with doctor’s appointments, massages (I don’t mind those), workouts, and hair appointments. All of those things are things that I enjoy, but they take time away from me resting, regrouping, and recharging.
I have always known how to say “No,” but I haven’t always said it, even though sometimes I know that it is in my best interest. I will always do stuff for kids, because I love kids and they are very easy to please. At times, the adults can be too much with all their demands. I don’t handle people demanding things from me too well. My reaction is to avoid and ignore. I volunteer to do stuff all the time, but I get volunteered to do even more stuff. Truth be told, there is a very short list of people that I would NEVER refuse to do anything for. Likewise, there is a long list of people that I have no problem saying “no” to. I have no problem helping my fellow man, but in all honesty, there are instances when I question if that shoe were on the other foot, if the person asking would do the same for me.
It’s not a matter of whether or not they can, it’s that they don’t or aren’t willing to. I support people that don’t support me. I pour into people that don’t pour into me. That’s selfish. I need to be selfish. I’m going to pour into those that pour into me. If they cannot pour into me, I will still pour into them, but if they will not pour into me, I am going to stop pouring into them. I am going to put me and my happiness first. It’s behavior I have allowed for years and it takes away from what I pour into the people that love and appreciate me and what I have to offer.
Lately, I have been praying for wisdom and working on finding balance in my life. On a regular basis, I need time for prayer, work, play, rest, and recharge. Although the sleep thing is something that I have always struggled with, I’ve got to do better letting my mind and body rest. I cannot be my best self if I’m depleted. I cannot pour into others if I have nothing to pour. I am too happy and my life is too blessed not for me to enjoy it.
Lessons Learned
1) You cannot put a price on your happiness.
2) When you lose focus, take a minute, rest, regroup, and recharge.
3) God may close some doors, but he will always open new doors.
4) Ask God for wisdom.
5) Stop pouring into people that will not pour into you.
Love, peace and blessings!
I’ll be 40 at the end of the year; of course, I see my biological clock out the corner of my eye. I used to worry that the batteries in my clock would give out before my time to be someone’s WIFE and someone else’s mom came, but women are getting married AND having babies in their 40s, 50s and some even in their 60s. Grant it, with advanced maternal age comes additional risks, but in this day and age, life comes with additional risks, just look at the news. The time left on my biological clock is no longer a worry of mine.
Before Abraham and Sarah recognized that God was faithful in what He had promised, Abraham and Sarah had to learn a lesson about faith and patience. They took matters into their own hands. Rather than wait on God to fulfill His promise, Sarah suggested that Abraham have a child by Hagar, their faithful handmaiden. Ishmael was conceived through this union. Although it sounded reasonable, it wasn’t what God had in mind when he told Abraham that he would be the father of many nations.
They eventually took me back to the room I was put in upon my arrival to the hospital. The doctor came in and told me that they had a pediatrician on staff, but didn’t have any neonatal doctors. They were going to transport Jonathan to Children’s Hospital. At first, they were going to take him via ambulance, but a helicopter was in the area and could get him there in a shorter amount of time. They rolled him in the room before they took him to the Children’s Hospital. With tears streaming down my face, I grabbed his little hand. I gave him a little pep talk and some kisses on the hand before he left. I told him that I would be there to see him as soon as I could.
I finally got to see Jonathan. He was so adorable, even with his swollen eyes and lips. His hair was slicked down and he looked liked a mini version of his dad. He had all these tubes connected to him. Initially they thought he had suffered some sort of severe brain injury a couple of days before I had him. They had him lying on a cooling mat trying to cool his body to prevent any additional brain injury. I spent my days holding and talking to him.
I requested that he be baptized before I had him unhooked from the machines. On October 8, 2008, my family all gathered with me at the hospital. We all took turns holding Jonathan and taking pictures with him. We prayed. We cried. We laughed. They unhooked him from the machines. The doctor asked me if I wanted to donate his organs, and I said “no.” I have regretted that decision ever since. At the time, I couldn’t see past my pain to allow Jonathan to give the gift of life or donate organs to save someone else. I didn’t want them cutting on my baby.
His organs had shut down and he was gone and I sat there and held him for 30 minutes. I didn’t want to let him go. My oldest son Mart was with me that day. He was out in the hallway. We heard someone crying and we just assumed it was Mart. It wasn’t Mart. It was the head of the NICU. He said that he had never seen family come together in such a manner. He went on to say that, he knew Jonathan was loved because some of the kids with less serious illnesses didn’t have as many visitors as my son did. We prayed again before we left the hospital and this time the doctor and the nurse prayed with us.
After all of this, I was devastated. I had the extra weight and the stretch marks to prove that I had been pregnant, but I didn’t have a baby. I left the hospital feeling like I hadn’t even been pregnant. I came home to a fully furnished and decorated nursery without a baby. I crawled in the bed and I cried and I slept and I slept and I cried. I was prepared to bring Jonathan home and be his mother, but I never got the chance. For a very long time, I was mad at God for letting me go through 9 months of pregnancy, preparing for this little person, getting attached to him, loving him, only to take him away from me.
As much as it still hurts to this day, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I may never know or understand that reason, but God had a purpose for my pain. It was to draw me closer to him. He emptied me out so that he could fill me up. It was for me to share my story, for me to be a beacon of His light for those that have been through the darkness of the loss of a child. The loss of a child can pull you into a depression, some people don’t bounce back from, but you have to. I’m living proof that you can, day by day, week by week, month by month, and year by year. You will always be missing a part of you, but it does get easier. You have to get up and keep getting up. You have to find things to occupy your time, so that sadness and depression don’t consume your thoughts. Mourn! Do whatever it takes to allow you to grieve.
Since my son was full term, I had a funeral service for him. It was me and about 12 of my family members. We had a small gravesite service. The funeral director bought some balloons to release after the funeral, but they managed to wiggle themselves free before the end of the service.
You can’t have a testimony without a test. At the time, I thought that there was no way that I was going to survive what happened. Look at me now, seven years later. I’m here. I’m stronger. I’m wiser. I’m happier and I’m living a pretty good life. That experience taught me the true power of God’s grace. It saved me and it can save you too.
LESSONS OF LOVE FROM MY FATHER 